The 'Odd' Man Out
by Deana
Summary: The Heroes experience an odd couple of days when a neurotic escapee from Stalag Six drives them completely insane.
1. Here Comes Trouble!

The 'Odd' Man Out  
By Deana Lisi  
A Hogan's Heroes crossover with…(can anyone figure it out? LOL)

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

"Where are they? They're two hours overdue!"

LeBeau and Kinch both sighed as they watched Colonel Hogan pace. The last month had been very stressful, with several missions not going quite as planned. Tonight's chore seemed easy…round up eight escaped prisoners from Stalag Six, and hide them until a submarine could pick them up. Simple.

Or at least, it _should've_ been simple…

Hogan sighed, wondering if Newkirk and Carter had encountered a German patrol along the way. He walked over to the tunnel ladder and looked up towards the tree stump, just in time to see it open. Relieved, he stepped back and watched as Newkirk climbed down. "Where have you _been_?!" he exclaimed.

Jumping down off the ladder, the Englishman gave the colonel an exasperated look, walking past him and dropping onto a bench, rubbing his sleeve across his forehead to wipe away sweat. "When does the sub arrive, Colonel?" he asked, rather than answer the question.

Hogan looked up the ladder as more men started to come down, and, satisfied that the mission had apparently been successful, he looked at Newkirk again. "We won't know until we notify London that we found the escapees. Why?"

"What?!" a voice suddenly exclaimed, before Newkirk had a chance to answer. "I'm not climbing down _there_!"

Newkirk sighed. "_That's_ why."

Suddenly, someone fell halfway down the ladder, stumbling down a few of the rungs before falling onto his rear-end at the bottom. Hogan looked up again, shocked to realize that someone had pushed him down the stump. "Hey!" he said, figuring that some of the escapees were enemies with each other. "There'll be no more of that!"

One more soldier came down the ladder, not looking at all contrite; he shot the man the same exasperated look that had been on Newkirk's face.

Carter closed the stump and came down the ladder, as the man on the floor quickly stood and dusted himself off with a handkerchief, looking unconcerned at the violence done him…as if he was used to it?

Hogan shot the stranger an odd look, before asking Newkirk, "Did you run into any trouble?"

Newkirk shrugged. "Not from the _Germans_."

Someone snickered, and Hogan frowned. "Kinch, radio London and tell them that all the 'packages' have arrived safely. Newkirk, Carter…" he motioned for them to follow him, and he headed into the next room. "All right, what's going on here?"

Newkirk shook his head and gestured behind himself. "That bloke who fell down the ladder is barmy! 'e's lucky we all got back 'ere in one piece!"

"What do you mean?"

Carter shrugged. "He's…well…" he twirled a finger next to his head in the 'crazy' gesture.

Before Hogan could get an explanation, the young man in question walked into the room, with a shocked look on his face.

"Look at this _mess_!" the man exclaimed. "There's dust everywhere! Don't you people ever _clean_ anything?!" He then put a hand to his forehead and started making honking sounds that resembled a dying goose.

Hogan stared at him, completely stunned at the bizarre display.

Newkirk pointed at him. "Listen to 'im! 'e kept doin' that the whole way back! We 'ad ta keep hidin' from patrols! It's a miracle we didn't get caught!"

The strange man looked at them. "It was damp outside, that's not good for my sinuses! Neither is all this dust! Where's your broom?"

"Well ya ruddy sinuses could've got us all _killed_!" Newkirk shot back.

"All right, all right!" Hogan exclaimed, before the situation could get any worse. He shook his head as the other escapees came into the room. "Is this all of you?"

Everyone looked at each other before nodding.

Hogan saw by their uniforms that they were all Americans, but he didn't recognize any of them as being from his own unit; they all looked to be in their early twenties. "Dog tags?" he said, shooting a look at Kinch.

The sergeant took a small notepad out of his pocket to write the names down, as the eight men obediently pulled them off and handed them over.

Hogan took the tags from Carter and LeBeau, and reached out to take the ones from Newkirk, but the Englishman was staring at one of the tags with an expression of shock on his face.

"Felix Unger?" Newkirk said, looking at the 'crazy' escapee. "I knew it! You're a German plant, makin' all that noise on purpose so the krauts would catch us!"

"That's not true!" Unger answered, looking insulted. "I'm a German-American! My grandparents emigrated to the United States at the turn of the century!"

"That's enough!" Hogan exclaimed, stepping between them and shooting Newkirk a look as he took the dog tags from him. "We can easily find out."

Newkirk met Hogan's gaze, and the colonel could see that the Englishman had developed an instant dislike for the odd man. _Great, _Hogan thought. "Kinch, get on the horn to London and give them the names. Tell them to check them _all_ out."

"Right, colonel."

Everyone was quiet for a minute or two, no one knowing what to say.

Suddenly, Carter piped up. "I named my pet mouse 'Felix'," he told Unger.

Newkirk looked at him as if to say, 'shut up'.

Unger honked again and started looking around. "Where did you say that broom was?"

"We never said we 'ad one," Newkirk said, sarcastically.

Unger stopped and looked around the room, spreading one arm to indicate everything it contained. "Well, considering how resourceful you men appear to be, I'm sure that someone can _make_ one out of _something_!"

Newkirk opened his mouth and closed it again, shaking his head and heading towards the ladder, climbing up into the barracks.

Carter watched him go, before heading into the room that he'd claimed as his 'lab', and coming out with a broom, which he wordlessly handed to Unger.

"You must be hungry," LeBeau said to the newcomers. "I will fix you all something to eat."

Hogan watched as Unger started sweeping the room, and found that he desperately needed a cup of coffee after these bizarre events. He climbed up into the barracks after LeBeau, and spotted Newkirk sitting at the table, holding an empty mug as the coffee perked on their woodstove. He went over and took the pot, pouring it into the Englishman's cup before his own.

Newkirk automatically drank it, before making a face as he realized that he hadn't put in any sugar.

Hogan sipped his own, not minding it black. "Do I need to tell you to cool it around our new friend? He won't be here long, you know."

Newkirk sighed. "Ya weren't there, guv. The bloody fool made such a racket, that I was sure we'd never make it back 'ere." He shook his head.

Hogan could understand Newkirk's anger. "Well, you _did_ make it back, and soon, Unger will be nothing but a fond memory!"

Newkirk rolled his eyes.

TBC

So yeah…did anyone here (or are you all too young?) figure out what the crossover is with? (Don't clue them in by saying it in your review, Janet!) LOL ;)


	2. I Got a Jar of Dirt!

Yes, everyone, Felix Unger is a character from The Odd Couple, which was a hilarious show from the 70's. It's my mother's favorite, and in one of the episodes, Felix stated that he was a POW in WWII, and a lightbulb went off in my head! LOL! So, I wrote this story for her. (She loved it! LOL)

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The next morning's roll call was uneventful, and everyone filed back into the barracks, where LeBeau started making breakfast.

_*HONK*_

Newkirk choked on his coffee when he heard the unmistakable sound. Carter reached over and slapped him on the back, while Kinch opened the tunnel and jumped down.

"I thought…that bloke bein' 'ere…was a bloody _nightmare_!" Newkirk said, coughing in between.

"Nope," said LeBeau. "I heard him do that in the middle of the night."

"Huh…no _wonder_ I dreamed about geese!" said Carter.

Hogan sighed and quietly drank his coffee.

Kinch came back up into the barracks. "We might have a mutiny on our hands, Colonel."

Hogan frowned. "What do you mean?"

"The guys down there are ready to kill Unger."

"They're not the _only_ ones," Newkirk muttered.

"And," said Kinch. "Wait till you see what he did down there."

Everyone looked at him, alarmed.

"What'd he do?!" Carter asked, thinking of his chemistry lab.

Kinch shook his head. "You won't believe me if I told you."

At that, everyone got up from their seats and headed for the tunnel, opening it up and quickly climbing down. What they saw shocked them.

The two main rooms were completely spotless; not a single thing was out of place, and not a single thing was dirty. The scent of flowers filled the air.

Everyone stared, mouths hanging open.

"Look at the floor!" Newkirk exclaimed.

Being underground, the earthen floor was something that could never be truly 'clean'…until now.

"Hey, look!" said Carter, picking up a bottle. "I've got a jar of dirt!" He suddenly sniffed the air. "What's that smell?"

Suddenly, Unger came into the room, with a pillowcase wrapped around himself like an apron. He held their broom and a can of air freshener, which he'd obviously stolen from Stalag Six. "Well, good morning!" he exclaimed, in a sing-song voice.

Everyone stared.

Unger smiled and spread his arm to encompass the room. "How do you like it! I've made it a more humane place to dwell!"

No one spoke for a good twenty seconds.

Newkirk broke the silence. "Colonel," he said, his voice deadly serious. "I think 'e's gone 'round the bend."

Unger suddenly saw what Carter was holding, and he grabbed it. "That's my trash can!" He turned and started walking towards the stump-ladder.

"Hey," said Hogan, following him. "Where are you going?"

"I have to dump this out."

"Outside?!"

"Isn't that what one usually _does_ with trash?"

Hogan grabbed his arm. "You can't go up there!"

"Why not?"

"Are ya bloody _crackers_?!" Newkirk exclaimed. "A kraut might see ya open the stump!"

Unger blinked.

"How many times did you dump your 'trash can'?" Hogan urgently asked.

Saying nothing, Unger simply looked around the room…the very _clean_ room.

Hogan closed his eyes and put a hand to his forehead. No wonder Newkirk was so upset when they'd returned last night…Unger appeared to have no common sense. "Under no—and I mean _no_—circumstances are you to open that stump; that's an order!" he said. "Understood?"

Unger nervously nodded.

"Any news on when the bloody sub is comin'?" Newkirk suddenly asked Kinch.

"Not yet," he answered, shaking his head. "They're supposed to notify us this morning." He headed towards the radio, with Hogan following.

"It can't be soon _enough_," Newkirk mumbled, going back towards the ladder.

Unger shook his head. "Some people just can't show appreciation."

Carter shrugged. "I think you did a great—_urk_!" He was cut off when Newkirk grabbed him by the back of his collar and all but dragged him upstairs.

"That man is a ruddy menace!" Newkirk exclaimed, sitting at the table.

Carter shrugged. "I dunno, I think it's nice to have someone clean things up a little."

Newkirk's eyebrows shot up. "A little? That wasn't 'a little', mate! Unger is the odd man out—the type of person different than everyone else, who needs everythin' ta be perfect, an' if it's not, 'e'll do it over an' over until it _is_, an' drive everyone crackers in the meantime. I wouldn't be surprised if 'e tries ta do that up 'ere too!"

As if on cue, the tunnel opened, and a head peeked out. "Well!" said the dreaded voice. "It's not as bad up here, _that's_ a relief!"

"Of course it's not," said Newkirk. "We're not as messy as ya think we are. Besides, there's no dirt floor up 'ere."

"Even so," said Unger, climbing out and looking around. "_Every_ room can always use more cleaning!"

Newkirk put his elbows on the table and plopped his face into his hands.

"And," said Unger, foolishly. "We'll start with _you_!"

Newkirk didn't realize that the annoying man was talking to him. He slowly raised his head and looked at him. "What?"

"You have something on your jacket."

Newkirk looked to where Unger had the _nerve_ to be pointing, at a little bit of dirt on his left shoulder. "That's from goin' into the tunnel," he said, brushing it off. "Ya obviously _missed_ a spot down there!"

Unger frowned. "I did? Where?"

"Oh, for—!" Newkirk cut himself off and took a cigarette out of his pocket, lighting it and taking a long drag. He refused to watch as Felix putted around the barracks, wiping dust—real _and_ imaginary—and fixing the blankets on some of the bunks. He didn't notice when Unger approached him again, until the cigarette was suddenly plucked from his fingers.

"And _these_ are a big no-no!" Unger told him. He looked around, before spotting a can that said 'BUTTS', and dropping it inside. "Not only are they bad for _you_, but they are bad for all the innocent people in this room who have to smell the smoke!" He shook the air freshener can, and started spraying it everywhere.

Newkirk just stared, stunned that the man had the gall to actually do what he'd just done. "Carter," he calmly said. "Hold me back."

The American sergeant grabbed Newkirk's arms from behind, before the Englishman had a chance to get up and throttle Unger to within an inch of his life.

Suddenly, the tunnel opened, and Hogan and Kinch came up. "The sub will arrive tomorrow night," Hogan said.

"They can't speed it up an' get 'ere sooner?" Newkirk asked, sounding desperate.

Hogan didn't answer, knowing that it wasn't a real question. "You should get back into the tunnel," he told Unger. "If a guard comes in here…"

"Oh," Unger said. He looked around the room, as if checking to see if there was anything else he could clean first, before obeying and going down below.

Newkirk gave a sigh of relief. "At the end of this war, I should get a medal, just for 'avin' ta put up with _'im_."

The door suddenly opened, and Schultz walked in. "Hello, boys!" he cheerfully exclaimed, obviously wanting something. Suddenly, his smile disappeared, and he sniffed the air. "What is that smell?"

Thinking fast, Hogan replied, "What smell?"

Schultz blinked. "That smell! It is like…" he sniffed again. "Roses!"

Newkirk dramatically sniffed the air. "I dunno what ya talkin' about, Schultzie," he said. "Do _you_ smell anythin', Andrew?"

Carter sniffed the air. "I think it smells more like gardenias."

Newkirk kicked him under the table.

"Oh, I mean, um…no, I don't smell anything either," Carter told him.

Newkirk exasperatedly shook his head.

Schultz still looked puzzled, and appeared to almost give in, before he took a step and sniffed again. "No! I definitely smell ROSES! You are up to monkey business again!"

"What could we possibly be involved in that requires the scent of flowers, Schultz?" Hogan calmly asked.

Schultz opened his mouth to reply, before suddenly backing up, looking nervous. "I prefer not to know! I smell nothing! NOTHING!" With that, he hurried out the door.

TBC  
Yeah, I know, Carter saying, "I got a jar of dirt!" (ala Jack Sparrow) struck me as insanely funny. ROTFL


	3. Honking Has an H in It

The rest of the day was blessedly Unger-free, as Hogan forced him to stay underground. Newkirk avoided the tunnel like the plague, until a message came in from London to notify them of an imminent supply drop.

"Pick it up and come right back," Hogan told Newkirk and Carter. "Patrols might still be around, looking for our new friends."

"Can we give Unger back to them?" Newkirk asked.

Before Hogan had a chance to answer, a familiar voice filled the room.

"You're going on a mission!" Unger exclaimed, rushing over. "Can I come?"

"No," Hogan quickly replied.

"Why not? I find it so amazing that you men risk your lives day after day, to help your fellow Americans—"

"And Englishmen," Newkirk interrupted.

"—in our quest to survive, to fight another day!" Unger continued, dramatically, as if Newkirk hadn't even spoke.

"Yes, we do that," Hogan said. "But _you_ don't. Your mission comes tomorrow night…leaving this tunnel and making it to the submarine that is coming to pick you up."

Newkirk inwardly groaned at the thought of sneaking through the woods again with Unger's sinuses.

"Oh, come on," Felix said, following as Newkirk and Carter headed for the stump ladder. "When men around me were collapsing from exhaustion during basic training, I was still roaring to go!"

"Well, roar on to bed," said Newkirk. "And none of that 'onkin' tonight!"

"None of what?" Unger asked, confused.

"None of that 'onkin'," Newkirk replied as he started climbing the ladder.

"What's he saying?" Unger asked Carter.

Newkirk gripped the rungs so tightly that it made his hands hurt. "Honking!" he exclaimed, deliberately pronouncing the 'h' and 'g'."

"Oh."

Newkirk quickly climbed the rest of the way, and as he reached the stump and pushed it open, he could've sworn that he heard Hogan chuckle.

Ducking behind the stump, Newkirk waited until the searchlight went past, before quickly opening it and letting Carter climb out. They both ducked again, and when the coast was clear, they took off running. Reaching the designated spot only took twenty minutes, and they found that they'd managed to beat the plane.

"Hey, Newkirk," Carter whispered, after they crouched down to wait. "You know what I thought of?"

"What?"

"What if the sub is late? I mean, what if it can't come tomorrow night to pick those guys up?"

Newkirk slowly turned his head to look at him, eyes opened wide. He was quiet for a minute, before sighing and shaking his head. "That'd be just my _luck_."

"Why do you dislike Felix so much?" Carter whispered.

"Because 'e's a ruddy menace!"

Carter shrugged. "I think he's funny."

Newkirk rolled his eyes. "You would."

Suddenly, a rumbling sound filled the air as the plane approached. Newkirk switched on his flashlight and blinked it at the plane to give their signal, and within seconds, two crates parachuted out.

Carter stood, just as the air was split with the sound of gunfire. Newkirk quickly grabbed him and yanked him back down to the ground.

"The krauts are tryin' ta shoot it down!" the Englishman realized.

The two men watched as the plane quickly turned, its pilot engaging in lightening-fast evasive maneuvers.

"I think they missed!" Carter said, relieved.

"Come on," said Newkirk, as the crates landed. He jumped up and dashed over, taking a pocketknife out of his pocket to cut the parachutes free before changing his mind and sticking it back inside. "We don't have time," he told Carter. "Patrols might've 'eard the shootin'."

Carter nodded and picked up one of the crates, dashing back into the woods while the parachute dragged behind him.

Newkirk did the same, and when he thought they were far enough away, they stopped running and put the crates down, before cutting the parachutes free. Carter opened the crates and they shoved the parachutes inside.

Putting his knife away, Newkirk suddenly heard the snap of a twig. He looked at Carter to see that he'd heard it too, and they both quickly laid flat on the ground.

Two sets of boots suddenly materialized before their eyes, about four feet away. Newkirk could feel his heart pounding against the ground, and Carter held his breath.

The Germans whispered to each other, before splitting up and walking in opposite directions.

Newkirk held his own breath when one of the men stopped right at the bushes that they were hiding behind. He stood there for a minute, looking around, before continuing on, motioning to the other soldier to follow.

Newkirk closed his eyes and let out the breath he was holding, hearing Carter do the same. They stayed where they were for a few more minutes, before quietly sitting up and looking around.

Carter leaned over and whispered, "Do you think it's safe?"

He said it so softly that Newkirk barely heard him. He looked around again, before shrugging and quietly standing…

…only to nearly have a heart attack when a rifle was pointed directly into his face.

Carter, thinking fast, jumped up and pushed the gun away from his friend.

Newkirk dropped his crate and pulled out his gun, pushing Carter down behind the bush when the second German appeared within view and fired, narrowly missing him. He fired back and jumped away from the bush when the first German fired at it, towards Carter. Before the soldier had a chance to re-aim at him, Newkirk shot him, and he fell.

"Carter!" he urgently whispered, throwing himself behind the bush, fearing the worst.

"Over here!" he heard.

Newkirk looked up to see Carter come out from behind a nearby tree, and he sighed with relief. "Let's get outta here!"

Carter didn't have to be told twice. He picked up one of the crates and took off, with Newkirk behind him.

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Hogan was acutely aware that Newkirk and Carter should've been back by now—again—and he paced in the tunnel. Finally, the stump was flung open and two crates were practically thrown down to him. "What happened _this_ time?" he asked, as his two men came down.

Both men were breathing as if they'd just run a marathon.

"A patrol almost got us!" Carter exclaimed.

"Good thing ya didn't let Unger come," Newkirk said, taking a deep breath as his heartbeat finally started to slow down. "Or we'd be dead right now for sure!"

Hogan sighed and looked both men over. "Are you all right?"

Newkirk and Carter both nodded.

Hogan shook his head and pushed the crates over to the wall. Opening one, he spotted boxes of ammo. "Go to bed," he said. "We can go through this stuff tomorrow."

Both men nodded, exhausted. They walked into the other room and tiptoed between the eight escapees sleeping on the floor. One of them turned over and almost tripped Newkirk, who managed to keep his balance and quickly step over the man.

Predictably, it was Unger.

"The bugger manages ta annoy me even when 'e's sleepin'!" Newkirk whispered to Carter.

TBC


	4. Bye Bye Felix

Morning came all too soon, and with it came rain. Roll call still commenced, and the prisoners eyed the gray clouds as they stood in line. The falling rain was light and intermittent, but they knew that it could quickly change into a downpour.

Klink came out of his office with an umbrella as Schultz counted the prisoners. "Repooooooort!" he shouted as he approached.

"All prisoners are accounted for!" Schultz exclaimed, as the raindrops went _plink_ on his helmet.

"Good!" Klink replied. "You'll all be happy to know, that in light of the rain—and because I am a generous and fair Kommandant—I hereby cancel the work detail that you prisoners were supposed to do today!"

Some of the men cheered.

"What work detail, Colonel?" Hogan asked, puzzled.

"The one that you did not know about until _now_, Hogan," Klink replied.

_*HONK!*_

Klink looked around at the odd sound.

Hogan shot Newkirk a look, and the Englishman loudly coughed and cleared his throat to cover up the sound. "Sorry, sir, I think I'm catchin' a cold."

Klink looked at him oddly.

Newkirk coughed again, and Hogan spoke up. "Can we go back inside, Colonel? This rain isn't going to help him."

Klink nodded. "Disssssmissed!"

The prisoners headed towards their barracks, and Schultz ducked under Klink's umbrella. "How nice that was of you, Herr Kommandant, to cancel their work detail!"

Klink smiled. "There _was_ no detail, Schultz."

The guard frowned. "You made it up? Why?"

Klink rolled his eyes. "Dummkopf!" he muttered, heading back towards his office.

Hogan and the others quickly filed back inside Barracks Two, where they found what they expected: Unger had come up from the tunnel.

"Are ya tryin' ta get everyone killed?!" Newkirk exclaimed. "Klink heard that!"

"I'm sorry!" Unger replied. "I didn't realize it until it was too late!"

"What are you doing?!" LeBeau suddenly exclaimed.

Everyone suddenly noticed that Unger was stirring the contents of the pot on the woodstove.

"Oh!" said Unger. "I smelled your porridge from down in the tunnel, and I came up to see if I could assist you in your endeavor!"

"My 'endeavor'?"

Unger nodded, still stirring. "It started out well, but you didn't put enough sugar or cinnamon—"

"I wasn't finished yet!"

Unger nodded. "That's all right, I added them myself. Here, taste!" he said, removing the spoon and holding it out.

LeBeau's face turned red. "Vous trompez!" he shouted. "Je suis un chef de cuisine français! Ne pas essayer de me dire comment cuisiner!"*

Unger threw the spoon back into the pot and dashed over to the bunks, hitting the latch and practically diving into the tunnel.

Newkirk smiled ear-to-ear. "Louie, that was bloody marvelous! Ya gave 'im the what-for!"

"What did you say to him?" Carter asked.

"That I am a French chef and not to tell me how to cook. The nerve!" LeBeau said. "The nerve of that swine!" He looked into the pot and stirred it, before taking out the spoon, sniffing the contents, and giving a tentative lick. His eyebrows shot up. "Humm…not bad."

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Felix stayed in the tunnel after that.

The day passed slowly and it continued to rain, dampening many a prisoner's spirits, as well as the landscape.

Newkirk looked at his watch for the hundredth time, as nightfall approached.

"Gin!"

The Englishman looked at the table to see Carter's cards laid out. "On a winnin' streak, are we?"

Carter smiled. "Sure am, as long as you keep looking at your watch instead of the cards!"

Hogan, looking out the window, heard them. "Kinch, why don't you radio London and see if the sub will arrive on schedule?"

"Right, Colonel."

"An' find out why it's so quiet down there," Newkirk said, half-joking. "As much as I'm enjoyin' it, it seems a mite suspicious."

Kinch rolled his eyes and went into the tunnel. Not one minute later, his head popped out of the bunk. "Newkirk, LeBeau," he said. "You have to see this."

Immediately, all four men rushed over and climbed into the tunnel.

"Here's the reason for the quiet," said Kinch, leading them into the second room.

The Stalag Six escapees were calmly playing cards or reading books…while Unger sat, tied to a chair, with a gag in his mouth.

"Carter, quick!" Newkirk exclaimed. "Go get your camera!"

Hogan sighed. "Guys…" he said, going over to Unger and untying him, after removing the gag.

"That was _not_ a nice thing to do!" Unger spat. "What have I done to any of you? What? Tell me!"

"You drive us insane!" one of the escapees said.

"We would never have let you come with us if we hadn't been threatened!" another man said.

"Threatened?" Hogan asked.

"When we planned our escape, the guys who weren't coming told us that if we didn't take Unger, they'd snitch on us."

The men of Stalag Thirteen were shocked…but then again, not.

"They did?" Unger asked.

His voice sounded so forlorn that his fellow escapees hesitated.

Unger sighed and closed his eyes. "Everywhere I go, I drive the people around me utterly mad! Why am I like this? Why?" He stood up from the chair with a look of resolve on his face. "From this moment on!" he said, raising a hand with his finger pointing up into the air. "I am a _new_ man! No more will I regard cleanliness to be more important than the rest of humanity!" He turned to the men from Stalag Six, and stuck out his hand. "Hi! I'm Felix Unger! Nice to meet you!" he said, shaking each of their hands.

Some of the men chuckled.

Unger then looked at the men of Stalag Thirteen, and deliberately headed over to Newkirk, sticking out his hand.

Newkirk looked at him as if he were insane.

Hogan elbowed him, so Newkirk reluctantly shook Unger's hand.

"Felix Unger's the name! What's _yours_?"

"Ya already—"

_*poke*_

"Peter Newkirk."

"Aha! Nice name! So very British!"

"An' yours is so bloody _German_," Newkirk mumbled under his breath.

Hogan rolled his eyes. "Why don't we get ready to go? The sub will be here before we know it…"

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Felix was on his best behavior as they crept through the woods. He didn't say a word, or make a single sound…making Hogan wonder if Newkirk and Carter had exaggerated the events of that night.

A sudden huge crash sounded, and they all turned to see Unger sprawled on the ground.

Kinch shook his head and hauled him to his feet with one yank.

"Sorry!" Unger said.

"Shhhh!" everyone replied.

"Okay, okay!" Unger said, softer, but not soft enough. "I just wanted to say sor—"

"SHHHHH!"

"I heard y—"

Newkirk clamped his hand over Unger's mouth.

_No, they didn't exaggerate, _Hogan thought.

The rest of the walk went more smoothly, and soon, they'd reached the designated spot, and Carter used a flashlight to send their signal.

The sub's periscope wasn't visible in the darkness, but seconds later, the huge underwater vehicle had surfaced. Hogan watched as a dinghy was launched to the shore, before he grabbed the arms of two of the men. "You two, run and don't look back, no matter what you might hear."

The men gave him an apprehensive look at his words, but nodded.

Hogan and his men looked around as well as they were able to in the dark, and didn't spot anything immediately suspicious. "Go," he said.

The two men dashed off.

Unger and the others held their breath, as if expecting to hear gunfire, but the two men arrived safely, and they all sighed with relief.

Hogan sent four others in sets of two, deliberately leaving Unger for last, should he somehow cause a commotion and reveal their location.

The others made it to the sub without complication, and everyone looked at Unger.

"What?" he said.

Hogan sighed. "Your turn. Do exactly what the others did." He looked at the other remaining man, as if telling him to keep an eye on the troublemaker.

The man nodded.

Unger's eyes suddenly got huge. "We're going home!" he said, as if only realizing it _now_. "Goodbye, everyone! I'll never forget you!" With that, he took off running, and the other man followed.

Suddenly, Unger stopped dead, turned around, and waved…in clear view of anyone who might be around. The other escapee almost trampled him, but managed to grab Unger's arm and yank him along.

Unger was caught off balance, and it was a miracle that he didn't land flat on his face.

LeBeau shook his head. "The prisoners still in Stalag Six must be so relieved that he's not there to annoy them anymore," he whispered.

"_You_ almost ended up there, remember?" Carter said to Newkirk. "When Klink tried to transfer you that time?"**

Newkirk's eyes widened. "That's right! Blimey, if I 'ad ta deal wit' _'im_ every day, I'd attempt escape just ta get meself shot an' put outta me misery!"

They watched as Unger and the last man made it to the sub, and they all breathed a sigh of relief.

"Do you think that Felix really will stop driving everyone nuts?" Carter asked.

Suddenly, a familiar _*HONK*_ filled the air, practically echoing through the night.

Newkirk shook his head. "Somehow…I doubt it."

THE END  
So...did I do justice to the character of Felix Unger? LOL!

* French translation: "You fool! I am a French chef! Do not try to tell me how to cook!"

** Episode 'Sticky Wicket Newkirk'


End file.
